Early this year (2017) a new dawning and self-confirmation that my life was good, despite the tyranny over extended seasons, occurred. It happened over a span of a week where I began to question what types of events that were causing me despair and fatigue, loneliness and physical symptoms.
I looked over my journals for the last few months for a recurrent theme. I noted what those themes were and then put them into 5 main categories of thoughts.
One of the big evaluations began when I thought about a conversation that occurred between me and a family member while waiting at the doctor’s clinic. They (not intending a male or female pronoun) said to me, your life has been horrible! “You have never been happy and it would have been better if you never married and had your children”. Wow! Was that true?
Well – earlier on when I had gone through my journals I created a timeline of my life. I mapped out the defining moments of joy and sorrow, of content, and confusion. And what I saw was a large portion of my life displayed along this line frightful moments and sadness. But each of these moments were brief when compared to the whole context of my life ahead. And they were temporary if one would consider them. And there were many joyful and happy moments.
The thought that occurred to me was that there were more space surrounding the good than the bad. It seemed when I remembered the bad times, I spent so much time in sorrow over them that they turned into mountains of memories that lagged on and on and seemed to fill my present with labelling and pronouncements, that they were always the reoccurring theme of my life.
I spent so much time thinking about those hurtful days that they were bigger in my mind than in reality. And also, my percentages of happiness during different life stages was different. Where one season my happiness was 60%, the other was 85%. The years with the 85% had a few horrid moments but were outweighed by other good things in my life. And to add to this thought process, I also reasoned that those days that I was directly undergoing tyranny and abuse,
It was only 1/2 hr or 4 hrs of the 24 hrs. So in a day, only 1/6th of it hurt and the other 5/6th I stayed present with other things going on that were meaningful. So really, the bad seasons weren’t 100% filled with “misadventure”. Ha.
Actually I took a timeline that used to showed 60% happiness in my life, changed to 85%. Not too shabby a life when you look at it from that perspective. And I’m in my prime and have the rest of a timeline to live.
And with new connection with myself, I perceive that the next years will be wonderfully fulfilling. And when that family member said the same thing to me again later on down the road, I had an answer already formed in my mind that (they) were incorrect and I told (them) so.
And I didn’t justify it any further because I didn’t feel the need to be right before them. I only needed to know my own truth and saying NO to their tyranny of “my life wasn’t enough” was all that needed to be said. NO is a full complete sentence. Just say no to angry free range humans on herbicides and steroids on the rampage