Power-moves in relationships and biz
Power move 1:
Kim was in a difficult marriage and this is an excerpt from her journal…
1. The best defense is a good defense –
Whatever my need is, there is something wrong with me for needing it. He tries to make me feel guilty or ashamed for being sick, weak, frustrated, full of anxiety or depressed. He sneers at me and tells me to go to a psychiatrist; he hasn’t got the time to talk to me. He labels me as defensive so I feel that whenever I have a need, I shouldn’t be like that, so I’d better not have that need.
Power moves can be disengaged.
Power Move type #2- Power Karate!
Why do things the hard way when your Power Mover can “yes” you to death? If you were to have someone in your life like this, they might say something like this “Yes I will give you some time, yes we’ll go out one day, yes we will visit your mother for Easter, yes we’ll do something this year for New Years, or yes we’ll go on vacation”. In business they might say “ yes I’ll generate those spreadsheets by the next business meeting, yes I’ll invest $xyz in this or that, yes we’ll sign that resolution soon, etc… Instead of opposing you, they seem to go along with you by promising you what you are asking for, but never deliver. They have something else that’s urgent or got to be done. There’s some unforeseen event that came up. Or they drag their feet and are too late to go or you end up not going at all. In business, you may have committed to a lease or it may be too late or costly to back out but they leave you hanging.
It’s hard to trust a power judo manipulator like this after a long period of this behaviour. So before making commitments, consider their pattern or history of behaviour and get to know their body language that alters when they are lying through their teeth. Or in this case, Judo kicks. What I’d be wondering, “what is behind this behaviour and how does it skew their mindset in other situations?
Let me mention that these are examples of power moves difficult or high conflict people may use in various relationships.
#3: Yeti Snow Ball Bombers:
Yeti Snow Ball Bombers ambush you with nice and patronizing details, excuses, and twisted maneuvers, that obliterate your needs and leaves your head spinning like Beetlejuice. They seem to be going along with you by promising you what you want, but they never deliver. The subtlety behind this type of snowball fight has a tinge of blame and guilt in it. They use excuses and martyrdom as their weapon of choice to manipulate; its a big passive aggressive ploy.
Your life and/or business partner may overwhelm you with yetis snowballs. They usually ambush you with a bunch of confusing details when you aren’t expecting it. These details come accompanied by all types of excuses that leave your head spinning like Beetlejuice. You may just want to think in your own head for once and you’ll just let them rant on and bang their drums in exchange for a little piece of mind. In fact, who knows what the next thing will be to tie their shorts up in a wedgie whirlwind. They can leave you discombobulated by all their emotional, verbally and intellectual attacks. But the most accurate snow ball that really hits you between the eyes is the old uproar of details that obliterates your own needs.
It doesn’t take much to be snowed under by a bunch of prairie oyster lip service that is all. They figure out what you want and then find a way to twist it so you think you will get it, but first their need or request takes president. They even use it with the intention to get you to do things for them, and you are duped into thinking your needs are important too, but actually they are the least. The subtlety behind this snowball fight with you has a tinge of blame and guilt in it. They use excuses and martyrdom as their weapon of choice.
For instance, “The yard needs this, the house needs that attention and we have to work overtime so that this or that need can be met (if it ever arose.) I have to work so much overtime so you can go to the gym (which you only go once a month because you are so busy with he kids while the other is working overtime), so I’m too tired to go out tonight. I work like a dog for you and yet you want me to come home week-ends just to kiss you or take your for an ice cream; you are perfectly capable of buying yourself one.
Or you ask them to talk about something, but all of a sudden the gutters need to be cleaned and the dog needs to be dewormed at the vet, “gotta go – we’ll talk later.” “We have the benefits of doing things together that other couples couldn’t dream of because we have the finances, so we just have to sacrifice a little more.”
Business partners may snow ball one another to serve guilt trips on a platter with the intent to manipulate the other. It is a big passive aggressive ploy. “I have to work this hard, and I have to do this for the good of the company because everyone else is so incompetent – you go ahead and take a long lunch break. We get paid to be inconvenienced. The wife seems to like the pay check, so she should be a little inconvenienced on our anniversary, I’ll stay here at work and you can take your kids to their dance lessons.”
In a business, a partner may say, I couldn’t go out with the wife last night for her birthday because I had to work late here, so you could go to your gym after work. I can’t come to the staff party, I have to clean the carpets because you won’t hire a janitor.
But yet the Yeti Snow Ball Bombers hold out on the benefits that supposedly you will receive, for the next sacrifice. There’s always something else on the horizon. Always some reason why your birthday wasn’t worth remembering. They seem to be going along with you by promising you what you want, but they never deliver.
Power move #4. The Endless Soapbox –
All you wanted was one simple thing. But the power person can’t let it go. They just keep coming at you repeatedly. Battling over every little thing with renewed energy at every little setback. This exhausting relentlessness is like when you take your kid to the park and they are screaming for a Dicky Dee ice cream. This power move is similar to that. It makes you feel sorry that you even brought it up in the first place. And you are unlikely to bring it up again. It only takes one incident to remind a person of the potential for conflict and not to try again in the future.
Continuing on with my writing about power people and their power moves, here’s PM5.
Power Move #5: Power at any cost!
Power people will do anything they have to in order to win. They have to have the last word and make the final decisions. This is how you may end up feeling that your needs are obliterated and that it’s not worth while to even try to get a need met. Ultimately what this does is give a looking-for-ways-to-do-things-behind-their-back attitude. It’s a passive aggressive survival technique to get your needs met without the other being aware. For example, it affects things like buying food secretly. And then you may stash food, saving it for comfort eating. You may buy things that you want but don’t feel the power mover would let you. For instance, buying underwear or clothes or gym accessories secretly, buy music secretly, go to the gym secretly. You may not want them to know your work details – these are off limits, to the point that you don’t even want them at your place of employment.
The connection eventually breaks due to secret lives. More examples are like when you don’t want to share your medical history or ailments with the other anymore. You don’t even want to share any sexual intimacy with them anymore. You become adamant about your personal body and you don’t want to give it over to them anymore. So now your are both sleeping apart.
They can make you clean the house or take care of the kids alone, but they can’t make you love or like them.
Generally, relationships in the real world involves partners trying to get their needs met and even the occasional arguments happening. But it is unbearable to be stuck with a partner whose main need seems to be that you don’t get your needs met.
Power Move #6: Power people scare and intimidate us.
They let you know very fast that nothing is out of bounds when it comes to stopping you from getting what you want. They will literally act nuts if need be, even though they aren’t. That is also when the crazy talking begins too. And the Yeti Snowball blizzards. Skill #1: Hitting below the belt. Power people scare and intimidate us. They also look for your tender spots so they can poke you there. You may confide in a dirty fighter and then they end up using it against you. And then you are sorry for trusting them. A dirty fighter may do dramatic things when they want to teach you a lesson. They save the best for when they want to blame, shame or guilt-beat you. For instance, they may drive faster when you ask them to slow down and you almost end up in an accident or they get an expensive careless driving ticket, now you can’t afford to drive to your moms next weekend . Or, they may actually stop in heavy traffic when you mention a green light. They use any information against you and have no problem figuratively or literally sucker punching below the belt if it helps them win! And the only way to inflate their ego is for them to get their self-made hero cookies for making you wrong, and less than their own inferiority complex.