I am an Existentialist- by Amee

I am an existentialist.

Cedar Forest BC

Here is a little of my background over the last 2 years (2017-2019), of what I have come to learn and believe.  Through the learning experiences of my life, I have been able to tap into the lessons, of those defining moments, that I graduated through.  I have learned who I am, who I am not, what I want less of, and what I want more of. 

So its been an inner journey. I believe that I am (not society, religion, friends, family, husbands or counsellors) solely responsible for giving meaning and significance to my life.  And it is my sole responsibility and opportunity to live it with passion, sincerity and authenticity. 

I have been fortunate, to find someone with whom I can share “loving life and learning together”.  I am also saying though, that Greg and I both do our own work.  I found that when we each do our own work, we each can come forward with a fresh perspective into our relationship.

I am an existentialist.  I believe in the philosophical studies, that I am a human and am not merely a thinking-object, but an acting, feeling, living human person.  

My predominant value is freedom and my primary virtue is authenticity.  To be authentic and real, is the only way to make sense of what I may perceive to be chaotic, meaningless, and absurd in the world, as I see it at times.   Being that I am a human being that has feelings, I self-express through my actions.  Thats what it means to be human.  And in my opinion, love to me is a verb.  How I express myself as an person and how I go about doing that, is what creates my experience. 

It takes courage for me to be an observer and step back to confront, examine, acknowledge, and release old patterns and stories. I need to walk that path, so I can embrace the awesomeness of life and my potential within it. Potential never ends. For me, the only meaning that there is to life is the experience of it. 

My best path forward is to experience it in the present, which is the only real point of power for me, and the apex of what works for me to change. When I enter into my “thinkingness” and into my past stories (that I was attached to) then I am stepping out of reality.  That right there is the source of my pain and suffering.  The moment I step out of the present moment, I am stepping into my old attachments, old pain, projections and judgments.  I try hard to avoid this behaviour.

It’s true, I am human and am not perfect.  I get triggered once in a blue moon and revisit pain sometimes.  But the difference today is I am the observer, and I am not afraid to confront and examine the circumstance, and do the work that needs to be done.  This way I can release the old and move on forward to the good things, that I’d rather be doing and thinking.  My analogy is about when I got rid of all the old, big, stained and torn, out-of-fashion clothes from my closet, I had more space to put in the new fashionable clothes.

I endeavour to tap into the wisdom that I have gained through the experiences in my life.  I call this cumulative wisdom , from my experiences and lessons, the active witness of my life.  I can’t con my active witness.  Therefore, my only teacher, counsellor, true friend that I can access at any given moment, is my inner guru, the active witness of my life.  

Let me describe my active witness in my life. It is my consciousness that has been with me through out my whole life. It is the part of me that has witnessed every little thing I have ever heard, every conversation I’ve had, and all the thoughts that were associated with them. I cannot con my active witness because it has been hanging around watching everything. It is a source of wealth to be able to connect with this witness of my life and to have the time to seek the intrinsic wisdom within.

At any moment, I have the opportunity and potential to grow and change, and enter through the learning curve of my life.  I am on a path to mastery as a curious student of my life, moving through the learning curve according to “Me-How, not They-How”. 

I learned to step through the learning curve and not side-step it.  Its my opportunity for growth. I need to work through it at my own rate.  I can’t spend my way through it or go around it. This is because I want to experience something different than what I have been over the last decade.  I always need to do the work to create the change. 

Being willing, ready to change and grow was the key to accelerating through my learning curve beginning in 2017. Change only happens in the present moment called now for me; Now is the apex of change, growth and momentum in my life. I have been this way since 2017. 

I can’t give all the credit to those years, however, learning and change happened over a period of darkness after my divorce.  It just helps me appreciate the light when I finally made it happen for myself.  

There is a gift I received from that opportunity I had, to go through that pain.  It was a course that  brought me to where I am today.  I became more confident in my own self-efficacy. My self esteem, acceptance and confidence also grew; and my self accountability and responsibility have expanded.

I am endeavouring to understand life through the lens of the human experience.  We are each standing at a moment in time where we get to choose our experience.

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